In my earlier post on belonging I mentioned that sense of belonging is, firstly, the connection one makes with the past, the present or the future; second, that it is not a fixed state and that people continuously evaluate their belongingness to a place or a group; and third, that loss of sense of belonging is an emotional breakdown, and not an economic disruption (although one could also argue that the latter could trigger the former).

How does one reclaim one’s sense of belonging?

Between 2013 and 2014, when I taught in Sherubtse College I started every class with the existential quest, “Who am I?” Some found it funny, some loved it and many were very confused. When the students went on break they packed off with a mandatory homework: to retrace their ancestry by meeting and spending time with their grandparents..

Whether or not your life has come to a halt, or you are a young person finding a footing in this world, establishing connections with your family elders and ancestors is a good start. After all, blood is thicker than water. You will feel grounded, loved, or cared for. Just give it a try!

After that find your own community – a place that you are comfortable with, and values you and your beliefs. For instance, I found mine among the Oleps in Athang Rukha in western Bhutan – although I am from the extreme east. You could also create one (VAST Bhutan is a perfect example – created by Azha Karma). Quite often, in such a circle you will find your holy grail – the purpose and meaning to your life.

Let me share my own experience of getting lost, tracing my footsteps, and discovering myself again.

I grew up looking after cattle on school holidays in Trashigang Pam. And because I was absent-minded, or engrossed in reading comic books, by late afternoon I would have lost all the cows in the jungle. My paternal grandfather who would come to my rescue had only one technique: trace the footsteps.

That advice would become my life’s philosophy when I felt lost. Ten years back that’s what I did with my life. I traced my footsteps because I was going through the lowest point of my life.

I asked my father to take me to the exact spot where I was born. I always knew I was born somewhere in the jungles between Radhi and Merak in Trashigang. I had nothing on my mind. I just wanted to spend that downtime to look for that place before life takes over again.

However, standing on the spot where a hut once stood, I had my own unplanned Buddha-moment – a moment of Realisation. My whole life replayed in front of me like an old black-and- white movie.

Because of some power struggles and family feuds in the area, my great-grandparents had lost everything and so I grew up extremely poor. We often depended on food loans, and collecting leftover grains in someone’s field – a practice called kangsong.

Then, schooling came, followed by a prestigious scholarship to the world’s oldest university in Bologna (Italy) to study engineering and eventually returning home in 1995 and pursuing a rich and an extraordinary career of bringing TV to Bhutan and a couple of  international awards in documentary filmmaking. Many would give an arm to achieve what I achieved. From walking barefoot as a child to dining in the Imperial Palace of Japan, indeed I have come a long way. I thought if I had come this far, I could still go a little further.

I also reconnected with my folks and especially with my old illiterate uncle, Lepo, who lives there, and who reminded me of my place in the world.

“We are descendants of lamas and lords, and not of scammers and suckers. Other than that, what can I say,” he told me.

Other uncles, Dondrub and Sangay Wangdi, showed me the temples and retreat centres in the area that our ancestors built, and the place where our manor once stood. They introduced me to all my relatives and to the descendants of the people who once served my great grandparents. They shared stories of my late mother and grandfather and cried. I cried with them too. I had finally come home – both physically and metaphorically. It was a very healing moment. (In 2020, my siblings and I sponsored the whole village on pilgrimage to India and Nepal).

Tracing my footsteps gave me tremendous courage to reset my life and start a new career altogether at 46. And in doing so, I found new communities – the academics and the spiritual groups who welcomed me. I am always indebted to my media studies students and Sherubtse College. I also completed the first of the three temples I would eventually build in Athang Rukha.

I also went back to school and earned my PhD (in social science this time). Along the way, I was conferred four academic awards in the US – including the Dissertation of the Year Award 2022. I was looking forward to a tenured position in academia, but I withdrew my plans as something greater just kept me home, for now.

Covid also reminded us of the impermanence, and my lama was even more brutal. “What more do you want to achieve, and how long do you want to push on? Maybe, it is time for you to pave the way for your next life”.

That’s the magic of retracing your past. It puts you solidly on your true path, and to a future. Today my life intersects between community service and spiritualism, and research, teaching and collaboration with some of the finest minds humanity has to offer, and mentoring current and future global leaders to make the world better.

Leadership and belonging:

One big responsibility that leaders have is to instil a sense of belonging among those who are in his or her charge. And by leader, I mean anyone with a sphere of influence – including parents, teachers, media influencers and celebrities.

For leaders in the business and in the government I suggest a book by Owen Eastwood, Belonging. In it the author recommends that leaders must start by asking the question: What is the optimal environment for this group to perform to their best? And take a proactive and facilitative role to create one. You do that by valuing each and every employee for their strengths and skills. You value the time and life they have put to the organisation.

The book goes on to say that when we experience a sense of belonging our body produces feel good chemicals in the brain, which leads to healthy and a highly productive life (good for the organisation too). Whereas people underperform or leave when they don’t feel the sense of belonging. This, in my view, explains the high attrition rate in civil service.

In conclusion…

May you all find your place in the world – especially the young ones who are seeking it. Keep looking for it! Meet real people in the streets, farms and cafes. Stop wasting money following fake celebrities on TikTok or some billionaires whose lives and backgrounds we don’t identify with.

Be open and be broad-minded. Listen to ordinary folks. If you are humble and respectful, you’ll find wisdom everywhere and in everyone.

Above all, ask for help. There are more good people in the world than mean ones. And you are loved.