Last week in a casual conversation with my so-called social media influencers, one working mother-journalist, shared something very concerning. The case of many young parents who have left their young children in the hands of caregivers back in Bhutan.

In a bid to secure the future of their children, the parents are working abroad and sending money and resources back home. It is a common narrative across Asia and not just confined to Bhutan. So far so good. It sounds nice. It sounds noble. It sounds rational. But this is where the good news ends, in my view.

As I mentioned before, I am not a child psychologist, but a social science student who is trained to observe social phenomena a little more in depth. More than that I am a parent of two daughters (now adults) and the head of an extended family with a long list of nieces and nephews, who always believed that depriving your children of parental love and presence does not bode well for their development.

The consequences of childhood dejection are even scarier. At best, these children will grow up with a big hole in their heart, while the worst case scenario is beyond anyone’s imagination. 

First, there is simply nothing in the world that can replace the parental love and their continued presence as the child grows up and confronts the cruel, complicated and confusing world. Second, there is tons of academic research that shows that the harm from the absence outweighs any economic benefits. One study from China suggests that children who are not raised by their parents are at higher risk of internet addiction, depression, anxiety, loneliness, suicidal ideation, drug abuse and violent crimes.

As we come to terms with the increasing reality of outmigration, there are few questions that one needs to ask in earnest – with utmost sincerity. Whose dreams and future are you securing? Your own or your children’s? Won’t there be the possibility that the dreams you are building could turn into nightmares in future? What if you are left with a broken child. What kind of adult this child would grow up to be? What kind of country are we going to live in? Mind you, ours is a small nation and it will take one person to bring down the whole society and the atmosphere. We are not India or the Philippines to absorb social shocks. No amount of money or iPad will substitute you.

I might also add that there are no perfect one-size-fits-all answers to the above questions. It depends from case to case, person to person, and from family to family. For instance, two of my age-mates with foreign spouses successfully brought up their children in the US with strong Bhutanese identity. And back in the 2000s my own sister had to leave behind two young children, and we the two elder siblings tried our best to fill the gap. It looks like it worked in our case. To our great fortune, though, our elder sister was a housewife, and we didn’t have iPads, smartphones or social media. And life was fairly simple and straight-forward. And I also met a woman in New York who has no choice but to provide from afar.

For those who are out, I feel it would be good to follow our age-old advice, which my late mother used to give me. Whatever you do, do it with moderation (tsham tshey in Bhutanese). If you have made some inroad into financial security, come back. For those parents who are planning to leave, take turns to go and study and earn abroad, while one stays back and be with the children. Or if you can afford and also ensure that you can rein in your children, pass your values and identity (which will be tough), take the children with you. Be careful with this too. This is another topic that I have partly dealt with in other talks and articles.

Ask those tough questions every now and then, and be honest with yourself, instead of blindly following the herd. Or stubbornly chasing the dream. You know your own situation, circumstances, and your children better than anyone. But, if you lose your children no one will cry with you. The mass you followed will instead blame you for not knowing how to parent.

Most importantly, as my influencer-colleague shared with a heavy heart, be aware! Just know that this nightmarish future is not something you can undo once it unfolds in front of you.

You cannot unwind the clock of your life. You cannot retrieve those lost years.

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

(Archive picture from my last trip)